Things that we don’t usually talk about

By April 17, 2013Weekly Blog


Fear, you either have it or you don’t.

As a child, I was extremely fearful, and not just of spiders or feeling alone, but cast me into any situation outside of my comfort zone and I froze. Not until well into my teens did I discover that I was harboring my parents strong reactions to fear and their capacity to freak out over anything major or minor as if they were one in the same. It was only when I was able to mentally take this on board and begin the process of coming into my own, did I understand that this is in essence what ‘our fathers sins’ are all about.

The line between yourself and your children is very thin, the way that you feel about their safety is the cornerstone with which you can come to understand your own fears, and what you can do to not only help yourself, but help your children to avoid the same fate.

There is responsibility and there is being afraid – which side of the fence you fall on will tell you all you need to know when it comes to righting the wrongs of your forefathers, and let me tell you, they are far more stubborn than we are when it comes to such matters, they don’t call it old school for no reason. Like I said – fear – you either have it or don’t, and if you have it, it should be right up there at the top of you priorities to work out.

The task of teaching your child how to navigate through life as well-adjusted individuals can be fraught with the weight of our own undoing, and never does it become more apparent – until you become a parent, just how important it is to work on your own fears, so that they in turn, do not get passed on to your children.  I know that people like to say that children are resilient, and to a degree this is true, but if you care to look just a little closer at the way you were raised, and with which manner your parents chose to work on their own foibles and failings, you will find that with a little more hard work from their end, and a little acknowledgment of the value of working through ones fears, the better it would have been for everyone.

Fear comes from two avenues – Irrational and Rational – the one that has the most destroying effect on the family unit, is the former, irrational fear. It can have a way of underlying everything that you do, potentially creating an air of negativity and unnecessary weight around your neck as large as the proverbial albatross.

Finding where your fear comes from may sound terrifying to say the least, for myself it uncovered a fear of confrontation, failure and rejection, it’s not the same for everyone – but let me assure you, getting to depths of your irrational fear is actually easier than you may first suspect.

Where it stems from can often be traced back to how you feel about your own personal safety.  I felt rather brave recently until I realised that I had transferred the fear towards my children, my well-being was no longer the issue, but theirs was, so much so, it had led to nightmares of losing them, and in my waking life, worrying about their safety when out with friends or at school. It had become such a burden it felt to be a handicap, making the day that little bit more difficult to get through without at least one thought of their safety entering into my head at some point. For me, it came in waves, usually when I was at a low point, when I wasn’t  actively pursuing my personal goals of becoming a better person – career and personally. But there is good in this –  I take it as a sign that it’s time to reevaluate how I choose to think and why. Retraining your thoughts to take a different path is no easy thing, but the sooner you start, the sooner it becomes a part of your day, and the sooner you will feel a lightness, for the albatross would have slowly but surely been lifted.

Change you thought patterns and the rest will follow. Allow yourself the room to say yes, you know that you have the propensity for a positive outcome, and believe me, this is definitely not achievable by pushing your fears under the rug –  you need to face your fears and realise –  that they are indeed irrational first and foremost –  only then can you instigate true change. I have chosen to take this on as a part of my everyday routine, by correcting my thought patterns if they slip towards the negative, and by swapping them with mental suggestions which are much more positive in nature. Time will tell, but in the interim, I am happy in the knowledge that I am trying my best to work through things, and in doing so I am teaching my children the importance of thoughts and the importance of  letting go of  fear.

You can compare tearing down the walls of your irrational fear to learning how to ride a bike, it requires a lot of determination at the beginning, but you will find soon after that it wasn’t as hard as you thought it was going to be, and like riding a bike, you will always have stay alert to your surroundings, readying yourself to stay on track and to be vigilant, because you can wobble, and there will be times when you can feel as if it’s not worth getting back on again, but you will also find that the benefits far outweigh the negatives, because yourself and your children are worth it.

Let your fear fly away as if you were letting go of a balloon, say goodbye to your fear, because it is certainly doing you no favors by holding on to it.

Losing your fear is a beautiful thing, your children will thank you.


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